I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize