We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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