U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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