How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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