I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
