My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
