I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
