I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Less talking, more tequila
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
