You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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