I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
The air taste purple.
Randomize
