I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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