I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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