You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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