It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
