Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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