they need to just BURY HIM!
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
