Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
