we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
