I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Randomize
