can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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