Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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