so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize