He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Randomize
