I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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