So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Randomize
