So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Pants are for mortals
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