I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
zippers are such a cool invention
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Randomize
