You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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