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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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