I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
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