Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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