Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
