Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
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