He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Randomize
