ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
