It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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