Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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