Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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