ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
