Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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