just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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