The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Randomize
