I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
