he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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