soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
