if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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