You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
