hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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