if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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