No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
