Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
50% drunk capacity currently
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
