3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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