please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
if only i could text you this smell
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
