i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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