I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize