she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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