he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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