Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
