I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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