guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
