Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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