if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
