guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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