my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
