My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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